To deal with a surplus of deer and apples in the UK and an increasing demand for imported venison and apples from New Zealand, the government has announced that 50% of UK deer and apples will be exported to New Zealand and subsequently re-imported to the UK to be sold in expensive restaurants and supermarkets.

Announcing the move yesterday, George Osborne was optimistic that the new trade would provide a much-needed boost to the economy: "The new exports will make basic food products more expensive for the unproductive layabouts in the population, who will then need to take out bigger loans in order to survive, which will transfer yet more wealth to the highly productive financial markets, thus boosting GDP. Moreover, we propose to fly the apples and deer from Heathrow, which will provide a stimulus to the oil and aviation industries, while clogging up the roads, trains and airports, and providing more demand for airport expansion, and new and faster means of transferring people and money from the rest of the country to the City of London, thus boosting the economy still further. We'll sell any excess venison to Romania to be incorporated into beef burgers, thus providing another scandal to boost the newspaper industry while creating a new market for bad jokes about eating deer."

East Anglian farmer Ted Giles expressed his tentative support for the scheme: "You'd have thought it would make sense to sell our apples and deer on the local market, but if the Markets tell us to send them round the world first, then I suppose we'd better do what they say. Don't want to upset the Markets, do we?"